The Complexity of Our Human Experience

I love that my 'special interest' is learning. I have made a career out of studying; in fact I don't know how I've found the time to work in between my studies! Even so, I wouldn't describe myself as an academic, I love learning that has practical use. Counselling is the perfect marriage between life-long learning and practical application.

There is, however, one rather humbling aspect of studying human psychology: the more I learn, the more I realise just how much I don't know!

My latest deep dive has been into Attachment Theory. In simple terms, Attachment Theory explores how our earliest relationships with caregivers can influence the way we form and experience relationships throughout our lives and into adulthood.

A child who consistently experiences their caregiver as available, responsive and emotionally attuned – someone they can turn to for affection, attention, comfort and reassurance – is more likely to develop a secure attachment style.

Conversely, when a child's emotional needs are not consistently recognised or met, they may be more likely to develop an insecure attachment style. These early experiences can shape our expectations of relationships, our sense of safety with others and the ways in which we respond to closeness, conflict and emotional vulnerability as adults.

If you'd like to explore Attachment Theory in a little more detail, there's a useful handout here.

Most of my clients are neurodivergent, and this has led me to consider how Attachment Theory intersects with neurodivergence. What does attachment look like when a child's developmental experience is also shaped by autism, ADHD or other neurodevelopmental differences?

Research has identified a number of factors that may influence attachment experiences in neurodivergent families. These include parental stress, the support needs associated with neurodivergence, co-occurring conditions and parental mental health difficulties. However, there is still much we don't understand, particularly about how attachment patterns develop and present as neurodivergent children move into adulthood and begin forming their own intimate relationships. Much of the existing research focuses on childhood.

And then, of course, we need to add another layer to the picture: trauma.

The statistics are concerning. Neurodivergent people are at a significantly increased risk of experiencing bullying, abuse and exploitation. Enhance the UK highlights that disabled and neurodivergent people can be up to three times more likely to experience bullying and physical or sexual abuse.

Think about what this means in the context of attachment. A child who is already navigating the world differently may also be exposed to experiences that undermine their sense of safety, trust and belonging. How might this shape their ability to feel secure in relationships as they grow older?

And then let's add genetics to the mix.

According to The Science of Biogenetics, genetics plays a significant role in many neurodevelopmental conditions. This means that neurodivergence may be present across generations within the same family.

In my work with the partners of neurodivergent adults, I have increasingly noticed how these intergenerational and family dynamics can play out.

In some relationships, differences in communication, emotional processing and executive functioning can create an imbalance in the demands of family life. One partner may find certain aspects of parenting, household management or emotional connection more challenging, while the other gradually takes on a greater share of the practical and emotional responsibilities.

This isn't necessarily about a lack of love, care or commitment. A neurodivergent parent may love their children deeply but find it difficult to recognise or respond to their emotional needs in ways that are easily understood by the child. Equally, the other parent may become increasingly overwhelmed by the responsibility of anticipating needs, organising family life and holding everything together.

Over time, this imbalance can affect both partners. One may feel misunderstood, criticised or inadequate, while the other feels unsupported, exhausted or increasingly disconnected. The cumulative impact can be significant, affecting the couple's relationship, their individual physical and mental health and, importantly, the emotional climate within the family.

And what about the children?

They are growing up within this family dynamic, experiencing their parents' different ways of communicating, relating and responding to emotional needs. Depending on the circumstances, they may also be navigating their own neurodevelopmental differences.

It raises some really important questions about how children experience emotional availability and security within these families, and how these experiences might influence the relationships they form as adults.

And this is where I find myself coming back to the beginning: the more I learn, the more questions I have.

Perhaps the real challenge is that we cannot look at attachment, neurodivergence, trauma or family dynamics in isolation. They are all interacting, sometimes across generations, in ways that we are only beginning to understand.

Jaki-mvcc@outlook.com

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